Oil's Well
Gary Hanak
Key: Dm
(Jan 1999, revised and completed Jan 2007)

Now, me lads an' I been out fer years, scouring all space-time
Lookin' fer that Mother Lode--that one big find sublime
We've been hip deep in gold dust, and we've all been well be-jeweled
But nothin' brings out avarice like crude--raw crude

Fee - Fi - Fo - Fum
I smell the fumes of petroleum
Makes platinum worth less than nickel
Give me petrochemicals
I loves the smell of oil in the morn

Then in orbit 'round this small blue world, we saw with just one scan
Big long strips of tar laid out like entrails o'er the land
And methane, propane, enough stuff for every eye to gleam
But we also found the natives who used crude to fuel machines

Hey, fiddle dee dee, I like organic chemistry
The polymers and the keotanes
They make me feel young again
So Hey, fiddle dee dee, I like organic chemistry

Now, me hearties, you're aware
That every star you see out there
Makes all the elements as it burns up
And novas scatter all this shit
Where gravity can get at it
And that's how moons and planets get built up

Then plate tectonics grinds and mixes
Volcanic forces cook and this is
Where the diamonds, gold, and jewels comes from
But only on worlds where there's life
Can all these forces then unite
And form that rarest loot -- petroleum!

...
"Cap'n, what the devil are you playin'?"
"Leave it be, ya scabrous seadog! It took years to master this thing."
"Surely there were better ways you could've spent your time..."
"Belay that!! That's mutiny, it is!"
"Cap'n, playin' that thing on board is grounds for mutiny."
"What?!?"
"Pirates code, Cap'n--one o' the few that really isn't just a guideline"
...

Now, tough as we was, we all were shocked, then I said "Aargh! Avast!
Re-run that scan, no jokes this time, or I'll hang ye from the mast"
My First said, "Ain't no bullshit, Cap'n--we got it on the screen
These yokels here use refined crude to burn in their machines"

I checked and checked again, me lads, twern't any doubt at all
Those daft folks used petroleum where most use alcohol
The alcohol they drink, believe it--I know that it sounds lewd
But it does explain the way they use their crude

So, Fee - Fi - Fo - Fum
I smell the fumes of petroleum
Diamonds? Rubies? Beads of wax!!!
I'd take a jar of crude like that!
I loves the smell of oil in the morn

So, there we were, me hearties, just a Mother Lode of crude
And these daft primitives using it in ways both crass and rude
The planet was just full of wealth, for even a million kings--
So we wiped the population out and took the whole damn thing...

Hey, fiddle dee dee, I like organic chemistry
The polymers and the keotanes
They make me feel young again
So hey, fiddle dee dee, I like organic chemistry