1. |
Tribble Episode
04:06
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Tribble Episode
music: Sting
lyrics: Gary Hanak
TTO: (Fields of Gold)
Sherman's Planet -- colonize it, yes, we'll try
And we can use the quadrotriticale
Niels Barris, the jerk, called in a Priority 1 alert
In that Tribble episode
Barris was afraid Klingons would stage a raid
To sabotage the quadrotriticale
And he thought Cyrano Jones far too free did roam
In that Tribble episode
bridge1:
"I don't want to talk about it"
Said the alien Worf in a firm tone
When the Klingon crew came in for a brew
In that Tribble episode
Klingons did insult the Captain and the crew
While we did guard the quadrotriticale
But Scott the first punch threw when they dissed the Enterprise, too
In that Tribble episode
Tribbles bred and soon of DSK7's room
There was little left for quadrotriticale
Spock and Bones they liked, but Klingons they despised
In that Tribble episode
bridge2:
Now I never make promises lightly,
So even though Barris, I did loathe
I was much taken aback by the triticalean snack
Tribbles had in that episode
(...instrumental...)
But those Tribbles were dead that fell on my head
Having eaten the quadrotriticale
Poisoned wheat it was to aid the Klingon's cause
In that Tribble episode
A Tribble caught the spy--Aan Darvin (yeah--Barris' guy)
Did infect the quadrotriticale
On station Jones was stuck. I said, "Pick every Tribble up"
In that Tribble episode
The Klingons left for home, but did not leave alone
Having missed the boat with the quadrotriticale
Scotty filled their ship with Tribbles to their hips
In that Tribble episode (3X)
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2. |
Escape (from Tatooine)
04:32
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Escape (from Tatooine)
Music: Rupert Holmes
lyrics: Gary Hanak (8/23/06)
TTO: Escape (The Pina Colada Song)
I was tired of the Wookie
We'd been together too long
He thought me rash and obnoxious
I saw a Yorkie gone wrong
So in a bar in Mos Eisley
I read the classified ads
Though most of them were pretty kinky
One there wasn't too bad
"If you like shooting at Storm Troops
Dodging blasters and beams
Saving maidens from jail cells
And foiling Emperor's schemes
Blowing Death Stars up at midnight
In the climactic scene
You're the partner I've looked for
Let's get the hell off Tatooine"
I didn't worry 'bout the Wookie
I know that sounds kinda wrong
But with two centuries experience
I figured he'd get along
While hiding from the bounty hunters
That Jaba'd sent after me
I sent out a response to
The query from Mos Eisley
"Yes, I like shooting at Storm Troops
With blasters and beams
I'm not real into on space worms
I'm into smuggling
And blowing Death Star up at midnight
And maidens rich beyond dreams
Meet at the bar in Mos Eisley
We'll get the hell off Tatooine"
So I waited with high hopes
Until he walked in the place
I knew his snarl in an instant
I knew the fur on his face
It was my partner, the Wookie
And he said --
"Owwr, Ahhrwwr, oourr" (gods, I hate that)
Then we toasted the moment
And I said, "I had no clue...
That you liked shooting at Storm Troops
With Ewoks around your knees
Dodging fighters and Sith Lords
And foiling Emperor's schemes
And blowing Death Stars up at midnight
One of my favorite things
Your the partner I'm stuck with
Let's get the hell off Tatooine."
If you like shooting at Storm Troops
Dodging blasters and beams
Saving maidens from jail cells
And foiling Emperor's schemes
Blowing Death Stars up at midnight
In the climactic scene
You're the partner I've looked for
Let's get the hell off Tatooine
"Owwr, Ahhrwwr, oourr"
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3. |
The Cat
04:15
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The Cat
Music: Johnny Cash
lyrics: Gary Hanak (over time...)
TTO: Fulsom Prison Blues
I hear the cat a-comin’, comin’ down the hall
Slidin’ ‘cross the linoleum, runnin’ up ‘n down the wall
And as I stumble out the bedroom, the cat decides to hide
And since I am too tired to find her, tonight the cat won’t die
The cat is in the china, he’s opened the cupboard door
He’s pushing out the crystal - it shatters on the floor
So now I rush into the kitchen - the cat takes off and flies
And since I cannot seem to catch him, tonight the cat won’t die
The cat done gave herself a bath, she’s such a pretty sight
While sittin' on our Persian rug we just had cleaned tonight
So now she gurgles and she upchucks - now on our rug a hairball lies
And since I slipped upon that hairball, tonight the cat won’t die
The cats have found the Christmas Tree, so pretty and upright
So they decide the tree is just a great spot for a fight
And as I rush into the parlor, the tree falls on its side
But since I cannot catch them both, today the cat’s won’t die
There’s a shake, a roll, a thump, a rattlin' from the living room so dim
And I quickly rush to check it out, still barefoot to my chin
The Kleenex box has won the battle, on the cat’s head it still resides
And since we both were busy laughing, tonight the cat won’t die
Eighteen TP rolls per pack is cruel, the cat’s new trick sets them free
But only till he kills each one...rips them all and sundry
And though he’s stupid and I caught him, this fact I can’t deny
If you beat a cat with a roll of Charmin - well, folks, the cat won’t die
In the bay window of our kitchen, Hotel Henry's stained glass hangs
The cats think it's a play toy and they soon set it to swang...
We watch as Henry's stained glass and kitchen floor collide
Then both cats dive into the basement, splitting up so we can't chase them
And since they hid behind the casement, today the cats won't die
This is my story so far, gospel truth each word I tell
And if cats are in your home, then you could testify as well
Be we have cats and they’re all stupid, so there’s still a
chance as time goes by
That another verse will soon be added - and then the cats might die
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4. |
Sulu's Lament
04:52
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Sulu's lament
music: Mark Knopfler
lyrics: G Hanak
TTO: The Man's Too Strong
(Dire Straits)
(for George Takei as Media GoH at Archon 28)
Oh I am an aging helmsman, and in a series I did play
And I've hung around through many a syndication
Now they say I am a celebrity, and conventions pay the way
But here's the real situation
I have worked for Rodenberry, I have worked for The Mouse
A Lieutenant, and a Captain, and a ghost in a Chinese house
I have flown a Klingon starship and a Huey from 'Frisco
Controls for both--kinda confusing
( Activating ground chase ...
...swish, swish...shish, shish...
...That's not ground chase radar...wait a minute...
... swish, swish... )
and reading Klingon's hard, and slow
Now William, won't you listen, and please don't take it wrong...
My part's too small, and yours too long
I could have been a fencer with saber or epee,
Once I chased Jim down a corridor, but he managed to get away
If I could just have caught him, how much different would things be
Bill would still be "T.J. Hooker", and the captain would be me
Oh people, please don't blame me if the writers got it wrong
My part too small, and Bill's too long
The big guard was a bruiser, and I swear I heard him say
"You got a problem, Tiny?"--it almost ruined my day
Our crowd came out the doorway, and he tried to block our path
But before he knew what happened, I flipped him on his ass
I said "Don't call me Tiny, for I have been wronged--
My part's too small, and Bill's too long"
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5. |
Princess Leia
02:57
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Princess Leia
Music: Simon and Garfunkle
lyrics: Gary Hanak
TTO: Cecelia
Leia, you’re breakin’ my heart, how it’s working out in the series
Princess Leia, it’s not meant to be, just you and just me, no, no, no
no, no, no
Came of age on Tatooine seeing Leia on the 3-D screen ("3-D screen")
I storm her cell just to set her free,
But her first words don’t exactly endear her to me
(nasally) "Aren’t you a little short for a storm trooper?"...
(quietly) Yeah, eat me...
Leia, you’re breakin’ my heart, how it’s working out in the series
Priness Leia, it’s not meant to be, just you and just me, no, no, no
no, no, no
It’s enough to drive me nuts, Princess Leia, locked in cell block 5 ("cell block 5")
She used her brains and found a place to hide--
A trash masher that’s mashing while we’re all still inside
"This is some rescue..." "HE'S the brains, SWEETHEART!"
"3P0! Turn on your cell phone, you idiot!!"
Leia, you look so alluring, wait till we’re both maturing and you’ll see
Princess Leia, it’s so hard to be
Your bro in Episode 3 -- no, that’s 6 -- 5? -- one of those...
(...instrumental...)
Had a fight with Dad Vader - on the Death Star moon ("Death Star moon")
Made me mad - I cut off his head
‘Cause of him I can’t take Princess Leia to bed
(deep> "...Sister!...")
("oh, dude, she’s my sister! No, no...)
Leia, I had thought you were mine, but Han is trying to make time--so’s his Wookie
("so’s his Wookie", "so’s his Wookie")
Princess Leia, as a Jedi it seems
I’m allowed no more wet dreams and no nookie --
(Oh, no -- wait a minute...
No, no, no, no... Why was--why was this little tidbit never mentioned during training?")
"Oh...the Force, worth all this, is not"
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6. |
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Walked Myself Right Into It
composers: Buchanan, Johnson, Van Zant
lyrics: Gary Hanak
TTO: Walked Myself Right Into It
The book club meets about a quarter after five
But I've got a place staked out in the ticket line
It's Star Trek, don't you know -
I think it's number 24
And reading books just takes to damn much time
There I go, lyin' to myself - I said I wasn't gonna do it
I was going to read, and then I passed that marquis and then --
Walked myself right into it.
It cost 20 bucks to see a new release
Plus a half a day in line and buyin' popcorn and Jujubees.
I could have bought a book or two,
But here there's so much stuff to do
Like discussing Star Trek 1 through 23
There I go, lyin' to myself - I said I wasn't gonna do it
I was going to read, until I saw MTV and then --
Walked myself right into it.
bridge:
Movies on DVD
There's just no time left for the printed word
"Must see TV"
To start a book at this point seems absurd --
(right?) (yeah...)
(instrumental)
My library card expired a month ago
I'm on the couch and watchin' the latest reality show
The card still does one useful thing
It keeps the condensation ring
From ruining the TV guide and remote control
There I go, lyin' to myself - said I wasn't gonna do it
I was going to browse, and then I saw Simon Cowell and now
Got no one to blame (except MTV) -- said I wasn't gonna do it
I was going to read, and then I passed that marquis and -- wow --
Walked myself right into it.
Walked myself, walked myself right into it.
Walked myself, walked myself, walked myself right into it.
Walked myself, walked myself, walked myself right into it.
(I can't believe I watched all of them in a row...)
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7. |
Goin' to Kitomer
04:04
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Goin' to Kitomer
Music: Marc Cohen
lyrics: Gary Hanak
TTO: Walkin' in Memphis
Put on magnetic boots while photon torpedoes fly
Transported o'er to the Klingon ship floating freely in the sky
Chancellor Gorkon, you're a Klingon, if you please
So I'm gonna shoot you in the chest to bring Jim Kirk to his knees
'Cause I'm goin' to Kitomir
The Federation has no clue
Goin' to Kitomir
But make sure first that Kirk gets screwed
Got Jim Kirk convicted of shooting Gorkon needlessly
Had him sent to Rura Pentee just to keep my own nose clean
But Captain Spock was very sneaky. He found Kirk and Bones outside
And Mortea, whom we'd sent to do Kirk in,
was the one who'd wind up fried
Now I'm goin' to Kitomir
The Federation has no clue
Goin' to Kitomir
But try to make sure first that Kirk gets screwed
bridge:
We had cloaked ships all around him
Plots and subplots filled the air
But Spock and Sulu got together
And they saved his derriere
So now I'm goin' to Kitomir
Now, Admiral Cartwright played it sneaky, and I tried to play it cool
But they brought Spock round to see me, and a
mind-meld you can't fool
Dammit, Jim, we almost made it, but you had to mess it up
And once more you've saved the galaxy...I think I will throw up
And now I'm goin' to Kitomir
The Federation had no clue
But now I'm goin' to Kitomir
And of course now I'm the one who wound up screwed
Yeah, we put on magnetic boots, but it didn't help at all
Kirk is still a hero and signed up for the sequel due next fall
With some old, bald, English guy from France
In a sequel due next fall...
"What the heck IS it with you, anyway?"
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8. |
Viva Viagra
02:57
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Viva Viagra
music: Doc Pomus, Mort Shuman
lyrics: Gary Hanak
TTO: Viva, Las Vegas
Jumpin' up and down on my old box spring
It feels just like I'm on fire
My woman thinks I'm crazy when I start to sing
Right now I could drown out a choir
It's been a long, long time since I have felt this way
No distractions now, I'm ready, come what may
Used to rush right in but now I do foreplay...
Viva, Viagra! Viva, Viagra!
I'll be the first to tell you, there's a price to pay
You don't get nothin' for free
But side effects or money won't get in my way
It just ain't that important to me
As bein' ready when I'm here alone with you
I don't care if my head hurts when I am through
I'm getting used to auras around everything that's blue
Viva, Viagra! Viva, Viagra!
bridge1:
Viva, Viagra! It's known I need assistance
If a Filk girl gets insistent
Hey, that's OK with me...yeah
Viva, Viagra! I got none in my pocket
Got lots more but it's locked up
She just has to talk my woman into giving up the key...
(...instrumental...)
Viva, Viagra! Viva, Viagra!
bridge2:
Viva, Viagra! It's known I need assistance
If the Filk girls get insistent
Hey, that's OK with me...
But Viva, Viagra! I've got none left in my pocket
I got lots more but it's locked up
They just have to talk my woman out of the key...
(spoken) "Yeah, like THAT'S gonna to happen anytime soon..."
Well, I was always willing, but the flesh was weak
It's hard when you don't know the score
Every time I tried to paddle, I'd be up a creek
Half the time, I'd misplaced my oar...
I could never carry on with gusto or elan
The best that I could ever do was "Wham, bam, thank you, ma'am"
But if I had a cape now, they would call me "Superman"
Viva, Viagra! Viva, Viagra!
Viva, Viva, Viagra!
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9. |
Gene's Legacy
03:15
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Gene’s Legacy
Music: Joni Mitchell
Lyrics: Gary Hanak
TTO: Big Yellow Taxi
‘Enterprise’ has been cancelled—Captain Archer is looking for work
With Captains Janeway and Cisco, not to mention good ol’ Cap’n Kirk
Forty years since it debuted
No more strange new worlds out there to be viewed
Gene’s Legacy consigned to the cinema vault
Forty years of the franchise, every year for the last twenty-three
Somewhere ‘Star Trek’ was running – not just cable, but on network TV
Nielson, don’t do this to me
The series is now part of my psyche
Gene’s Legacy consigned to the cinema vault
Hey Fox, W-B, C-B-S, A-B-, N-B-C
Don’t care about ‘Lost’ or ‘Survivor’, just give me my Rodenberry … Please…
Networks are polling Nielson again
And ‘Star Trek’ once more comes to an end
Gene’s Legacy consigned to the cinema vault
(…instrumental…)
Bill and Leonard have finally admitted they don’t work for free
Star Trek’s gone, they can’t save it, now it’s only about the money
Don’t it always seem to be
You don’t miss it ‘till there’s no more Rodenberr - y – y – y – y
Gene’s Legacy consigned to the cinema vault
Don’t it always seem to be
You don’t miss it ‘till there’s no more Rodenberry
Gene’s Legacy consigned to the cinema vault
Gene’s Legacy consigned to the cinema vault
Gene’s Legacy consigned to the cinema vault
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10. |
Something is Beepin'
04:44
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Somethin' is Beepin'
Music: Jerry Wayne/Edward J(oseph) Penney
Lyrics: G. Hanak
TTO: Somebody's Knockin' (Terri Gibbs)
Somethin' is beepin', now what could it be?
Not a tricorder, we don't have TV
Maybe a comm badge--my God, can it be--
Is that noise comin' from me?
Now somtihin's whisp'rin', and it says to me
"ASSIMILATION", and my eye's a TV
Why is this laser attached to my head?
I should have stayed in my bed.
My presbyopia ain't a problem no more
But the R-K technique they use involves a bore--I'm sore...
I've got these tubes plugged into my cranium
A catheter made out of carborundum
A leather jock strap, and suppositories
That'd bring King Kong to his knees...
Somethin' is beepin'--so now what is wrong?
Not a tricorder--we don't have cell phones
Wait just a minute, it's coming from me!
My heart has passed warranty
I've had it in me since I put up a fight
Three ugly big guys who'd not been laid that night--not happy...
("DID YOU GET ANY?" "NO, DID YOU?" "NO--LET'S KILL SOMETHING...")
It must have been one hell of a fight
Last thing that I saw was this long jagged knife
As it protruded from out of my chest--I wasn't feeling my best...
Damn, it's still beepin', and I'm tired of this
The Borg still want me--my ass they can kiss
I called the Klingon a big chickenshit...
("If you weren't who you were I'd kill you where you stand!!")
...I think I've finally lost it...
I took the queasy Klingon out for a walk
The two of us came back, but not Ensign Hawk--
Oh, well...
That Queen and Data seemed to make quite a pair
He has no melanin and she has no hair
Thank God for Data, or we'd all be machines
Wearin' those funny black jeans
Somethin' is beepin', now what could it be?
Not a tricorder, and we don't have TV
Maybe a comm badge--my God, can it be--
Is that noise coming from me?
Somethin' is beepin'..."you will be assimilated"
Somethin' is beepin'..."You Will Be Assimilated"
Somethin' is beepin'..."YOU WILL BE ASSIMILATED"
Uh--does that mean no more Next Generation?
"RESISTANCE IS FUTILE"
So is another sequel
"A..oohh...NOT NICE..."
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11. |
Blame it All on Darrin
04:25
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Blame it all on Darrin
composer: Melissa Ethridge
lyrics: Gary Hanak
TTO: All the Way to Heaven
I’m gonna revamp a series about a suburban witch
Cute, blonde, and sassy--casts spells with a twitch
She’ll hop on a broomstick, and out a window we’ll fly
She’s gonna give me a thrill, the kind I can’t abide
She’s been around since Columbus, and worse...
Her Mom’s been around since before Richard the First...
Blame it all on Darrin, or Derwood
Magic or mundane, wait--now, it’s muggle
Blame it all on Darrin, or Darwin
It seems he’s always in deep trouble
I thought I’d find me an actress with a really cute nose
Playing second fiddle to my heroic prose
Now my hair changes colors, my ears belong in a barn
Twitch your nose again and I’ll grow a third arm
She could have been frisky with Thomas Payne
And Grandma was involved with King Charlemagne
Blame it all on Darrin, or Dagwood
Be it magic or mundane, he gets the worst
Blame it all on Darrin, or Dilbert
Almost seems as if he’s cursed
(instrumental)
It’s like a ride at a carnival with its highs and lows
She may make weird things happen like elongate my nose
It’s that old Chinese proverb about interesting times
If everything’s going well, it’s prob’ly time I should hide...
Blame it all on Darrin
Blame it all on Darrin
Blame it all on Darrin
Blame it all
Blame it all on Darrin
Blame it all
Blame it all on Darrin
Blame it all
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12. |
Louie Wu
03:28
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Louie Wu
Music: Buddy Holly
lyrics: Gary Hanak
TTO: <Peggy Sue>
Louie Wu, Louie Wu
What have you got yourself into?
Oh, Louie -- Lou-, Louie Wu - oo - oo
A sliced up Dyson sphere, you'll live there for a year or two
Louie Wu, Louie Wu
A big orange tabby cat's with you
Oh, Louie -- Lou-, Louie Wu - oo - oo
He's a big carnivore, you may be soup d' jour, or stew
Louie Wu, Louie Wu
Who is that young girl hanging' with you?
Oh, Louie -- Lou-, Louie Wu - oo - oo
Born with a lot of luck, is she a real good ... flunky, Wu?
Louie Wu, Louie Wu
So who's this Prill you've run into?
Oh, Louie -- Lou-, Louie Wu - oo - oo
She got zapped with a tasp, that Nessus' such an ass, is true?
Louie Wu, Louie Wu
It's time to leave, so whatcha gonna do?
Oh, Louie -- Lou-, Louie Wu - oo - oo
Scoot up this big skrith zit, then fall straight into it, Louie Wu
(...instrumental...) (then raise the key signature one step)
Louie Wu, Louie Wu
A Puppeteer has kidnapped you
Oh, Louie -- Lou-, Louie Wu - oo - oo
Chmee and the Hindmost snatched you into Ringworld, Chapter 2
Louie Wu, Louie Wu
Fix the Ring or you'll fry, too
Oh, Louie -- Lou-, Louie Wu - oo - oo
Ringworld is way off true. This could be it for you, Louie Wu
Louie Wu, Louie Wu
Who is that Pak Man there with you?
Oh, Louie -- Lou-, Louie Wu - oo - oo
Teela was quite a lass, but now she kicks Chmee's ass, Louie Wu
Louie Wu, Louie Wu
Ringworld is safe, whatcha gonna do?
Oh, Louie -- Lou-, Louie Wu - oo - oo
There's lots more left to see, so start on Chapter 3, Louie Wu
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13. |
Cachelot
04:11
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Cachelot
Music: Frederick Loewe
Original lyrics: Alan J. Lerner
lyrics: Gary Hanak
(Alan Dean Foster was Archon 28 GoH)
TTO: Camelot
The earth was once the home to all Cetaceans
But they’d been thinned out there by quite a lot
Now they have got their own spot in Creation
It’s Cachelot
The sounds of waves upon the shore don’t linger
‘Cause there’s no place for there a beach to be
And if they could, the whales would give us all the finger
From Cachelot
"So, what--they're just going to flipper us off?"
"...tell me you didn't say that..."
"...sorry..."
Cachelot! Cachelot! There beats a steady song
Cachelot! Cachelot! Where bifurcated is just wrong
The dolphins play among the waves so freely
The baleens mostly graze and eat a lot
Unless they’re busy crushing us completely
On Cachelot
Completely do the Catadons ignore us
Save Orcas, sent as spies by Lumpjaw’s lot
Were we to disappear, none there would mourn us
On Cachelot
Cachelot! Cachelot! Town after town has been absorbed
Cachelot! Cachelot! Still us the Catadons ignore...
(instrumental)
Beneath the waves coelenterates are evolving
For our demise the ConsucC doth hatch a plot
But be that as it may, we still will win the day--
We'll knock synapses out of kilter
By neurophoning like a filker
‘Neath the waves of Cachelot!
"Play, boy! ... Swim! Swim, boy! Swim harder, boy! ... Play..."
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14. |
Garuth's Lament
05:06
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Garuth's Lament
Music: New Christy Minstrels
lyrics: Gary Hanak
TTO: The Oldtimer
(chorus)
I was born 25 million years ago
You would think there wasn't nothin' I don't know
My race once ruled without question, then this Third World took possession
And they'll WHUP me if I say it isn't so
The 'Nightmare Planet' was third out from the Sun
When we were there it wasn't very fun
No trace of sentient species 'cept maybe Australopithecines
And even they were really pretty dumb
(chorus)
When I left home our air was getting stale
And it'd get worse each time one of us would exhale
And undulates would keep on passing what volcanoes were outgassing
And our waste disposal genes, we'd done curtailed
So I led a group to try some stellar heating
On a distant star in case it took a beating
Yep, the test star done went KERPOW, so we orbited the Oort Cloud
While the eons back at home were swiftly fleeting
(chorus)
After we had gone, some scientists thought it cool
To swipe gene codes from that Third World's festering pool
So they tried to copy genes from that odd planet of extremes
But soon found themselves to be knee deep in stool
("...medically speaking, of course...")
Yes the tried to cop Earth's genes for handling waste
'Cause we had bred that trait out of our race
But those genes controlled aggression and Sigmund Freud was not in session
So they left, and our world became Melrose Place...
(chorus)
ZORAC, ship's computer, self aware
He runs the starship, never turns a hair
But his sense of humor rankles--I'd expect pants around his ankles
If he had some, but he doesn't, c'est la vere
When we finally got back home, it'd been misplaced
And hairless apes were getting in our face
Saying our moon once so resplendent was now their world's sole dependent
While our world'd left large holes around the place
(chorus)
I came from the world fifth out from Sol
But the Solar System's changed since then, ya know
Now my home world of Minerva, that was once 'twixt Mars and Jupiter
Is now an icy dwarf world out there named Pluto...
And now we find that, much to our dismay,
Our bad gene splice job's top dog of the day
So we said "Hello, Goodbye", then once more launched into the sky
Here's hoping this time we won't be delayed
(chorus)
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15. |
Altered State of Mind
04:36
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Altered State of Mind
Music: Billy Joel
lyrics: Gary Hanak
TTO: New York State of Mind
Now and then, while I practice Zen,
There's a different view of the world I see
Much as if you decorated with
Some extreme Feng Shui...
I don't need any help, though J. Love Hewitt would suit me fine
'Cause I'm in an altered state of mind...
Big electric spark, sitting in the dark,
Getting laid, then shot - none appeal to me
Bruce and Patrick may get there that way
But that just seems extreme
I've got a small collection of some drugs I can combine
Then I'll be in an altered state of mind
All those shows that I see now seem a little dumb
This sort of thing I've been doing for years
Don't take seriously Lost, Ghost Whisperer, or Medium
I can talk for true to your Aunt Belue
I don't care if you stop and stare as I phase through all probabilities
I'll just shift through dimensional rifts full of endless possibilities
I don't need no car phone, or America Online
'Cause I'm in an altered state of mind
(...instrumental...)
Coming back to the real world can be quite a fright
I'd rather stay here where I'm lighter than air
And, of course, here I'm only a beam of light
Like that movie star -- Billy Lumiere...
("...sorry..")
Don't despair if I float on air and you're stuck down there like a carpet tack
You can do what I'm doing, too, if you'll just relax
All you need is a vision of another space and time
Then you'll be in an altered state of mind
I don't want your delusions any more than you want mine
'Cause I'm in--I'm in an altered--I'm in an altered state of mind...
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16. |
Hotel Tardis
06:31
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|
Hotel Tardis
Music: Helder, Henley, Frey
lyrics Gary Hanak
TTO: Hotel California
On a dark street in London, I saw the shimmer in the air
And I see this police box that didn't ought to be there
So I slipped through the doorway--thought I'd just look inside
That's when I noticed that this little box was much bigger in than outside
There he stood at the console, a long scarf 'round his neck
A metal dog was beside him. I just said "What the heck?"
"How d'ya do?" said the tall man. "I'm The Doctor, that's K-9"
My head was spinning and I answered back, "You got a dog at the Five and Dime?"
(chorus)
We tuned in just to watch Doc and the TARDIS
Many different guys (many different guys) and a blue box besides
But we don't understand why you dropped Doc and the TARDIS
Any time of year, now you can't find it here...
While I hung with The Doctor, strange sights did I see
Plastic trash bags on hangers, lots of views of quarries
Rubber suits by the truck load--black and silver and green
Pepper shakers with an attitude, lots of extras who screamed
But the worst was this weird guy, bearded and dressed in black
Didn't much like the Doctor--tried to kill him, in fact
That's annoying at best, but what really got me quite pissed
Was every time this guy would finally hatch a plot, it was always ME he just missed
So I said to The Doctor, "What time is it, please?"
He said, "That hasn't been too clear around here since 1963"
And I hear dozens of voices that plead every day
Calling up the local BBC and PBS just to say
(chorus)
Just as I tried to get out, I heard the Cloister Bell
And I got worried when The Doctor said "Oh, bother--NOW what the hell?"
The Doctor dashed through a back door, I followed lickity-split
I think we passed the same spot fifty times--point of fact, I got sick...
Last thing I recall, I was trying to find the door
I'd gotten lost in the Zero Room and couldn't find the floor
And the Program Masters whisper from that long sought prime time spot
"What you Pledge doesn't matter--Red and Green we've got, a Blue Box, we've not"
(chorus)
(...instrumental...)
We'll come back just to watch Doc and the TARDIS
Many different guys (many different guys) and a blue box besides
But we don't understand why you dropped Doc and the TARDIS
If you want our green, bring back our Time
(And Relative Dimensions In Space) machine
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17. |
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I am Going to Build Myself a Bimbo
Music: Gary Hanak (Main melody, Mandrel verse), Donna Weiss/Jackie DeShannon (Bette Davis Eyes), J. C. Forgety (Proud Mary), James Sanderson (Hail to the Chief), Bette Midler (The Rose), David Rose & His Orchestra (The Stripper)
Lyrics: Gary Hanak
Oh, I am just a scientist, a man of great renown
And when I go to town the dog packs follow me around
Because they know my work provides a bone for every hound
Oh, I am going to build myself a bimbo
Now, Frankenstein and Doc Moreaux, though not as bright as me,
Labored long and hard to build some hairy, great monstrosity
But why not have a little bit of fun with chemistry?
So, I am going to build myself a bimbo
With Harlow's hair of gold
Her lips I'll match to size
And for her outlook on the world
She'll have Bette Davis eyes
And when I get back from the city ("city")
Workin' night and day, I might even beg
I might look peculiar, but I'll have what I wanted
'Cause I'll have the set of Tina's legs
And if you think that her brain will just be wasted
Just remember her brain will be somewhat small and stale
P-O-T-A-T-O-E is how she'll spell potato
That's the best that I can do with the brain of J Dan Quayle
And if you think that she's too homely
I'll make sure she warbles like a wren
And her throat will sing with a voice that only
Could have come from the Divine Miss M
Then I'll take a hand and stitch it on
So that it's soft yet supple
Match the other to it and we'll
Then have quite a couple
I'll dance a little jig to my fiddle playin' gal
With the hands of Barbara Mandrel
And at long last, when my work will be
Done as far as I can see...
I'll be standing nose to nose with my Little Bimbo lass
And I will have my hands all over Brittney Spears young...
...I can't say that...
Oh, I am just a scientist, a man of great renown
And when I go to town the dog packs follow me around
Because they know my work provides a bone for every hound
Oh, I am going to build myself a bimbo
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18. |
||||
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There’s a kind of a Slush
Music: Geoff Stephens, Les Reed
lyrics: Gary Hanak
TTO: There’s a Kind of Hush
There’s a kind of a slush all over the town tonight
From Snob Hill to slum everyone is quite numb
And it’s just Halloween—-d’ya know what I mean?
Every roadway is blocked by ice and snowflakes tonight
All over the state everyone’s running late
And falling in mush
The Gulf Stream now is getting cool as Greenland’s glaciers fill the pool
Which ain’t good-—London’s north of Mt Hood
And Lisbon, Rome, and Monaco are going to be hip deep in snow
Liverpool will be a new kind of cool
There’s a big climate change that’s coming up fast tonight
Aspen’s still froze in June, ads will say “Ski Cancun!”
Someone get me a berth-—I think I’ll ship out to Perth
Soon Jamaica will be bobsled mentality (like in the movie)
‘Frisco looks like Duluth, Lombard Street’s like a luge
And it’s way passed May first.
But as your toes begin to freeze and numbness creeps up to your knees
Be impressed—-it gets worse, I guess
The folks who live in Kokimo are dressed up just like Eskimos
And it’s worse—-I told you it gets worse—-
‘Cause there’s one more verse
There’s a whole lot of ice that’s moving down south tonight
Miami’s a rink, California will sink
As the glaciers move down from North Pueget Sound
And all of those who refused to slow up the use of fuel
Then moved to Brazil will experience a chill
When Titicaca slides down
|
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Gary "MoFilker" Hanak St. Louis, Missouri
Old person. Sings and plays guitar, piano, bass, accordion, and programs drums,
sorta
Writes originals and parodies.
Currently there are four albums out there, with two more as a gleam in the eye.
Filk Hall of Fame awardee, winner of a Pegasus, and an invited music guest in St Louis, San Francisco, Chicago, Toronto, and Columbus. So far.
And, plays around St Louis in the live music scene.
... more
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